gorysortofstory | Open Mistletoe Shenanigans

You were hurting. You lashed out. I'm the last person to judge someone for doing that.

[ he doesn't elaborate. it's probably pretty obvious that he spent the better part of the past four years lashing out at the world around him. he doubts she knows why, beyond having been banished. the truth about where he got his scar wasn't a secret, but it wasn't exactly a truth that was spoken of often. it was likely she didn't know, and he didn't want her to.

zuko didn't want her to pity him. he's called ozai out on burning him and he's (mostly) at peace with it now.

and this isn't about him. ]

If anyone else had seen me do that I wouldn't of heard the end of it.

[Especially from Aang -- because if they didn't adhere to his morals at all times they would hear it. Especially her. Sometimes she wonders if Aang even really likes her or some idea he has of who she is.

One thing she likes about Zuko, not that she would ever say it out loud, is that she feels like she can simply be herself. She doesn't have to try to be the glue that keeps everyone together. She can be angry or hurt or petty or any other feelings she had.

She doesn't know how he got his scar and she figures it isn't her business to pry. If he wanted to tell her, he would. She's not going to force him to talk. That isn't right.]

[ he appreciates that about her, too — she allows this to remain unspoken when he doesn't want to talk about them, and respects his right to privacy. aang pries, whether he realizes he is or not. he pried about the dragons, he pried about why he did things as the blue spirit instead of owning his actions with a face that wasn't obscured by a mask. and he shied away from more violent confrontations, even though he was in the midst of a war.

there were times when zuko wondered if aang would really be the one to bring ozai down, or if one of them would have to step up to the plate and do it because the airbender refused to. ]

I'm not them. I get it. [ he steps back up to her, daring to touch her again by reaching for her hand. ] You're only human. You've lost a lot and had to give up a lot more in order to help Aang.

[She worries about that sometimes too -- if Aang will be able to do what needs to be done. She didn't spare Yon Rha because it was the right thing to do, to not kill someone, she spared him because he was so pathetic and such a shell of a being it wasn't worth the effort. But if she had thought for a moment he was still capable of doing what he had done to her mother?

She would have gone through with it.

She's not sure Aang is capable of making that sort of tough decision, when it comes down to it.

Impulsively she finds herself squeezing his hand when he takes it]

We've all given up a lot to be here. We have to if we want to fix things.

You guys are young. [ he says it suddenly, but the way he says it indicates that he's been aware of it for quite some time now. the reality of that statement has been bearing down on him. ] Really young. Just kids. I mean, I'm a kind of a kid, too, but I've seen things. I've done things. I've heard things that...

[ he shakes his head, squeezes her hand back. ]

I was thirteen when I sat in on my first war meeting. I was too young, but there's no going back from that. There's no going back for you guys, either.

We can't really be kids anymore, and that's kind of sad.

I haven't been a kid since the day my mom died.

[It's said simply, because that's the way it's always felt. Even though Sokka was her older brother she was the one who ended up taking care of things. Taking care of him.

It's not the same as being forced to sit in a war meeting as a kid, the things he was forced to do, she knows that, but it's damaging in it's own way.

War leaves no room for children, that is the ugly truth of it all. She wonders sometimes how Aang can seem so young despite being technically older than all of them. How has this not touched him like it has the rest of them.

She smiles weakly at Zuko's words, nodding.]

It is sad. But if we succeed -- we can make it so other kids get the chance we didn't have.

I didn't know the rules.

[ it tumbles out of his mouth before he can stop it in spite of his desire for her not to know. his gaze lands on the ground, his hand going tense in her grip. ]

I was younger than an heir would be when the rules were explained to them when I went to that meeting. I didn't know, so I spoke up and said something that went against what the senior Minister of War was proposing.

[The tenseness unnerves her a little -- she's uncertain exactly where this story is going but she imagines it can't be anywhere good.]

They can't have liked that.

No, they didn't. Neither did my father.

Challenging the War Ministers meant challenging my father, and speaking out against him wasn't tolerated. Not even from his own son.

[She's quiet for a moment before she finally asks:]

What did he do?

[He doesn't have to tell her, but if he wants to, she'll listen.]

He thought I needed a lesson in respect, so he challenged me to an Agni Kai. I refused to to fight, which is apparently more deplorable than losing.

[ zuko lets her hand go and jerks away from her, repressed anger and turmoil bubbling to the surface much like it had in the catacombs beneath the palace when he confronted his father. ]

I was thirteen! What sort of father tells their son to fight him, just because he spoke out of turn? What sort of father puts a fistful of flames in his face for refusing to do so? Who does that!?

[Katara doesn't know what an Agni Kai is -- but she imagines it can't be good -- especially when involving a child.

He steps away from her but she doesn't stay away, instead she steps closer now. She reaches out now to place her hand on his cheek, fingers brushing against his scar. It's not her first time touching it -- but it's been a long time since Ba Sing Se.]

Not a good father. Not anyone who deserves to be a father.

[No one deserves to have their parent treat them like that. It's hard not to feel for him in that moment.]

[ zuko hadn't wanted her to know, but now the truth is out. he wasn't born with this scar, his father gave it to him for talking out of turn and refusing to fight of all things. he didn't want her — any of them — to feel sorry for him, but as much as he tried to see his scar as a mark of honor for standing up to the most feared man in the world, there was still a lot of baggage and bad feelings attached to the way in which he received it.

he closes his eyes, leaning into her touch, much like he had done in ba sing se. there wasn't a lot of feeling left in that side of his face, and while he couldn't feel her fingers against the glossy, charred flesh, he could feel the pressure of her touch.

reaching up, he covers her hand with his own — not removing it, just letting his palm rest against the back of her hand. ]

My uncle was more a father to me than Ozai ever was.

[There's a difference between empathy and pity. It hurts to hear what he's gone through at the hands of his own father of all people but he doesn't feel sorry for him.

He's struggled with it, but he did eventually walk away from his father. He's trying to be better than that, better than the man who did that to him. He got this by standing up for what was right. She would never pity that. If anything, she's a little proud of him.

His hand reaches up to cover hers and in some ways it feels almost more intimate then kissing him did.<]

He seems like a good man, your uncle. [She hasn't interacted much with Iroh herself but Toph seems to like him -- Toph doesn't give her approval to just anyone.]

He is. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to see that.

[ he frowns, leaning further into her touch. ]

I was banished after that. Banished because I was a disgrace, an honorless coward who spoke against the will of the Fire Nation and refused to fight in a formal bending duel. The only way I would be allowed to come back home would be to capture the Avatar — something that was, [ he laughs, bitterly ] original a fool's quest. It had been a hundred years, yet I looked for the better part of the last three and half. It was futile, but all I wanted was to please him and to go home, so I looked.

That's why I was so intent on capturing Aang. I just wanted to go home, and to make my father proud of me.

It took me a long time to realize that he was the one in the wrong, not me. I did nothing wrong. ...not that chasing you guys everywhere was right, but you get what I mean.

You're not a coward. You're brave. It takes guts to speak up when you think something is wrong, especially when you're that young. If your father can't see that, that's his problem.

[Her thumb brushes idly against his skin, lingering there]

No chasing us around was not right. [She's not going to pretend it was.]

But when you spoke up at that meeting, when you refused to fight, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm glad you can see that. You're so much better than he is.

[There was a time where she would of refused to believe it. After he betrayed them after Ba Sing Se she was convinced there was nothing redeeming about him. Because she was hurt and it was easier to be angry then give him the chance to hurt or disappoint her again. But she's worked through that now.]

Sure, you've made mistakes, but you're trying to make up for them. That's the difference.

[ zuko's hand slips down to circle her wrist, his fingers pressing against her pulse point so he can feel it beating against his skin. ]

I had to try even harder with you.

[ hopefully now she understands that the only reason he even sided with azula that day was in a desperate, last ditch effort to go home. he hadn't cared about what azula wanted or was trying to accomplish. he just wanted to go home, and he's sorry he threw her under the avatar-verse equivalent of a bus in the process. ]

You did. But you didn't give up.

[Which is important to her now. She understands now why he did what he did -- and he's more than tried to prove it was different this time. Especially with her. He could have just accepted she didn't want to forgive him but he didn't. He kept fighting to prove himself to her.

He fought harder for her forgiveness than anyone else's. She can't forget that.]

[ he reaches for the hand that's not pressed against his scar with the one that's not holding it there. ]

I wanted you to know that I was sorry, that I got it— I messed up, big. I know that, but I'm trying to make it right.

I was starting to think I'd never get you to forgive me.

I never understood why it was so important that I did. [She admits softly as her hand wraps around his in return.]

I mean, I know you wanted everyone to see you changed but you fought harder with me than anyone else to do so.

[Possibly because she was the most reluctant to forgive him, the most stubborn about giving him a second chance.]

Why did my opinion matter so much?

[ he regards her with a wide-eyed, alarmed look. zuko can feel his good ear going pink. it's a secret he's been guarding carefully since he realized why he cared so much about her opinion. ]

I— [ his fingers tense against her wrist and in her hand. ] It just did.

That's not really an answer.

[It is but it's not much one of. and maybe it's not right for her to pry and prod at him like this but she'd be lying if she said this wasn't something she's tried to figure out for a while now.]

Do you really need an answer? It's not that big of a deal.

[ so defensive, but it's easier for zuko to go on the offense to admit that he's been harboring a crush on her for a while now. maybe his quest for forgiveness hadn't started that way, it certainly got that point somewhere along the way. ]

It is a big deal. You could of just given up. Accepted that not everyone would forgive you but you didn't. There has to be a reason for it.

[She realizes maybe she should just let it drop -- but for some reason she can't. She's not sure why but she just...really wants to know why. Why her? Why did her opinion matter more than anyone else's?]

Trust me— [ his eyes drop to the ground, but his hand turns in hers and he laces their fingers together. ] You don't want to know.

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